An Alternative to Trees
The wackiest timeline strikes again
Great news, everyone!
In the ongoing effort to push the limits of hubris, scientists have now created an alternative to trees!
An alternative to trees.
Why is there a perceived need among scientists and urban planners for a solution to the problem of trees? Why are trees a problem?
If I might step into their shoes for a moment:
Ahem.
It’s not so much that trees in themselves are problematic, but that we require a method of delivering the benefits of trees without dealing with so many actual trees.
Trees have this nasty habit of getting bigger, you see. The more they grow, the more you have to accommodate them. Their roots break up the pavement and their highest branches interfere with the views. They drop leaves and branches on the sidewalk, creating a need for clean-up, which wastes valuable resources. During a strong storm, they can fall on power lines. They provide homes for vermin like squirrels and birds, which carry diseases.
So, although trees are wonderful for air quality, visual interest, high temperature alleviation, ecosystem health, carbon sequestration, and the human soul, we simply can’t go out of our way to accommodate them in many cases. Trees, in short, are just entirely too unpredictable for urban planning purposes.
So here’s an ugly tank full of algae instead. We even designed it with a bench, so you can sit and enjoy its grotesque shade. What’s nice about liquid trees is that their required maintenance can be performed on a predictable schedule, and they double as phone charging stations.
Don’t get us wrong, we’re not trying to replace trees! Conventional trees will always be welcome in human-free, re-wilded zones and on carbon credit tree farms. But for the densely populated areas of the future, Liquid Trees represent a significant upgrade. Consider the benefits:
But in all seriousness…
The Liquid Tree was developed by Serbian scientists as a solution for that country’s severe air pollution challenges. In 2020, Serbia ranked 28th in the world for worst air quality. Its capital city, Belgrade, is especially impacted by two coal power plants and a shortage of areas to plant trees.
I mean, I get it. Air pollution is a major concern in many large cities. And I’ll grant that this glorified cesspit innovation can indeed be a helpful tool for cleaning up the air and providing oxygen in those types of environments. Algae is cool and everything, but…
If my city council proposed putting these monstrosities out in lieu of planting more trees, well, let’s say “highly displeased” would be an understatement. Maybe as a temporary strategy while waiting for the newly planted trees to grow, but as a permanent solution? Hell, no. It might be enough to push me over the edge to becoming a guerilla Johnny Appleseed.
Alas, this is the way of the dystopian pendulum swing.
All that is natural must be improved upon. All that is wild must be tamed. All that is essential to human flourishing must be reconceived, repackaged, redesigned, and redistributed.
The comforting thing is that pendulums always swing back with equal force.
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An actual stagnant pool, in a tank, on the sidewalk; too bad there are no metaphors around here.
We have now created an alternative to scientists. A/I dummies who can reason like a rock. Beats the stagnant garbage of our current scientific thinking which is no better than brainless nonsense.