Dear Citizen,
We hope you are all sufficiently terrified and outraged by our little mid-quarter surprise.
And just when you thought things were returning to normal. You had just tentatively taken off your mask in the supermarket when you noticed that hardly anyone else was wearing one. The economy was a little unstable, but overall things were looking up and you were starting to think about perhaps making some plans for the future, and then BAM! War on the horizon. Heh, heh, heh.
It’s fortunate for you that we so quickly and seamlessly introduced this new global threat, otherwise you’d be left with nothing to be anxious and fearful about. And if the war hasn’t yet expanded to your corner of the globe, don’t worry. There’s plenty of time for us to gradually raise your cortisol levels to overlord-approved standards so that when the big event happens, you’ll shower our warmongering scheme with loads of braindead, manufactured support.
In the meantime, it is of the utmost importance that you STAND WITH UKRAINE.
We love all your great ideas for helping Ukraine. From Facebook profile picture frames to TikTok dances, you’re full of solutions to the Ukrainian crisis. So creative! But while you’re twerking for Kyiv, don’t forget to also express your hatred for Moscow.
At this early stage, our strategic focus is on cancelling all things Russian. We, your overlords, did our part by enacting economic and financial sanctions so that the Russian people, regardless of whether they support the invasion, can no longer access American or European goods, or—and we’re really delighted with this new innovation—use their debit cards or be paid for online work. We think it’s a fair punishment for the crime of living in Russia.
The private sector has joined forces with the public sector, and everyone from Netflix to McDonalds is pulling out of the Russian market. We couldn’t be more pleased. (We’ll let you in on a little secret, though: this is not the virtue signal of all virtue signals as it may appear. These megacorps are simply fleeing from our economic sanctions in order to protect their profits. But it is a good piece of propaganda, don’t you think?) Even those companies who never did business in Russia in the first place are doing their part by putting Ukrainian flags on their products and in their tweets.
But it has come to our attention that some of the public are not following suit. As a public service announcement, below is a brief guide to cancelling Russia.
List of Hated Russian Things To Be Banned:
Russian flags
Russian oil
Russian grain
Russian classical music
Adidas track suits
Russian vodka (and Polish vodka, because we know you can’t tell the difference.)
Matryushka dolls
Little old Russian ladies
Dixie cups
The Slavic Squat
Fur hats, regardless of country of origin
Books by dead anti-war Russian writers
The Cyrillic alphabet
Russian cats
Russian OnlyFans models
Russian athletes
Dudes named Ivan, Piotr, or Vlad
Anything with a name that sounds like, but is not, “Putin”
To clear up any confusion, it must be clarified that at this time, we do not hate nor are we banning any writings by or iconography of Soviet revolutionaries Vladimir Lenin and Josef Stalin. Hammers-and-sickles are also currently grandfathered in.
Now, let us take a moment to appreciate all the hard work that went into making this the fastest and most successful crisis transition in recent memory.
Even though it may look like we pulled this global threat together in a matter of weeks, we’ve actually been working on it for quite some time. No, no, we don’t mean to say that the Russian invasion of Ukraine is entirely our doing. But it was expected. Conflict on the Russian-Ukrainian border has been brewing for years (not without our meddling influence, mind you), and our intelligence communities have been aware for some time that Russian invasion was imminent.
Why do you think we hastened to quit our positions in Afghanistan last August, after decades of lucrative occupation in a war that seemingly had no end in sight? Why would we back out of promise after promise to bring the troops home, year after year, only to execute the sloppiest withdrawal since Fidel Castro banged Justin Trudeau’s mom?
Well, we couldn’t exactly end the Afghanistan campaign without another war to fall back on. It would be bad for our shareholders.
But once we knew the next war was cued up, it was crucial to perfectly time the withdrawal in order to give our defense contractors an adequate preparation window.
We probably shouldn’t be giving away trade secrets, though. Ah well, a bit of revelation won’t harm our plans. Not with the incredible power we hold over you, body and mind. Think of it as a little extra spice in the propaganda sauce as you continue marching inexorably toward our Great Reset.
Until next time, remember: It’s your sacred patriotic duty to go bankrupt paying for gas. If you don’t like it, buy a Tesla. Do it for Ukraine.
Now, Citizen, go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Your Overlords
Thank you for reading!
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-Starr
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Add to the sauce that Russia is contemplating gold backing the Ruble, like completely instead of the partial standard they use today.