When was the last time you heard of anyone having a cold?
Not Omicron, Epsilon, Megatron, Long-Haul, Marathon, Fruity Remix, or any other type of Covid. But just a plain-old, regular cold like the kind we used to have prior to 2020?
I can’t honestly remember anyone claiming to have had a simple, actual cold for at least that long.
I was starting to think colds had gone extinct, until I came down recently with a few familiar symptoms. Sore throat, mild cough, low-grade fever, headache, stuffy nose: this short-duration illness checked all the boxes for a cold, if I could trust my memory of what colds used to be like, before they went extinct. It lasted about 1.5 days and left me with a lingering rasp in my throat for a couple days afterward.
But, funny thing. When I mentioned to anyone that I had a cold, almost every single one of them assumed it was some stripe of Covid.
Even though I’ve already had Covid, just earlier this year, and should therefore be protected by robust naturally-occurring immunity (according to the research), everybody assured me that what I actually had was Covid.
“A fever is not a cold!” one friend told me. (I think I remember colds used to come with fevers, sometimes. But maybe that was all just a dream.)
“A cold? In the summer?” said another friend. (I mean, it didn’t used to be unheard of…)
“It’s not a cold, it’s Covid.” (But Covid is a coronavirus, and a coronavirus is a…help me out here.)
“You should definitely get tested,” said my mom. (Why? I was just waiting it out at home.)
I don’t want to alarm you guys, but I feel it’s my duty to inform you of some troubling new evidence in the Missing Colds cold case.
I am here to report that colds are not actually extinct.
My hypothesis is that they never went extinct. They only went into hiding to avoid a deadly encounter with their dreaded foe, Science.
But recent news suggests that Science no longer holds the intimidating sway over colds that he once did.
Science (aka Dr. Anthony Fauci) has recently announced his pending retirement after a lucrative 38-year career. Which begs the question, what did we do before Science? Back in 1983? I was just a year old, so I don’t remember. But I imagine the world must have been gripped by chaos. And colds. Lots and lots of colds.
So it’s no wonder that colds are plotting their comeback. Now that Science is going on permanent vacation, they probably figure it’s almost time to strike. I realize this is highly controversial stuff, and I’ll probably be labeled a conspiracy nut for suggesting that colds are still alive and well, after all. But I know, because I saw one in the wild, and felt it scratching my throat.
I understand why you might be skeptical. I’m probably the only person you know who has encountered a cold since 2019. It’s scant evidence. I get that. But what if the colds are just now testing the waters, seeing if it’s safe to re-emerge, hoping that maybe Science is too busy with his retirement plans to notice? Terrifying, I know.
I wouldn’t worry too much just yet, though. After all, Science is still on the job for now, working hard on the next pandemic. Hopefully before Science’s official retirement date in December, that new global disease threat will be in full effect and we won’t have to worry about colds for at least another two years or so.
But you should probably take some preventative measures, just in case. My advice is to say ten Our Fauci’s each night before you go to bed with your face mask on.
Our Fauci, who art the Science
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy virus come, thy will be done
On restaurants as well as in kindergartens.
Give us this day our daily jab
And begrudge us our asymptomatic infections
As we begrudge those who asymptomatically infect against us.
And lead us not into masklessness,
But deliver us from Science deniers.
For thine is the data,
The power and the Pfizer kickbacks,
Now and forever,
Amen.
Hey! In case you missed the big announcement…
I am re-launching my productivity group, Extremists Being Awesome. It’s a super fun and rewarding guild of anarchists and other extremists, where we focus on deep creative work and inner growth, getting massive amounts of shit done each week with a little time left over for social breaks. For the month of September we are accepting new members and you can drop in to any productivity session during the month for free to see how you like it. Check out the details.
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I’m saying this prayer every month but I get sick every month. I must be saying it too quickly. There must be a magic way to repeat the incantation that only Science can deliver effectively. I mean he never got si- Oh, never mind.
He is not retiring, he said he was pursuing the next phase in his career...
Maybe he wants to be Math next?